Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
