Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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