I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
