I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
