i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
