Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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