So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
