You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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