someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
