i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
