Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
