Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
