I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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