your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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