I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
