According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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