I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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