We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
