I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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