I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
