hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
