I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My vagina is very pro this idea
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
