dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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