then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
