so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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