Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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