I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
