I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
