You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
