Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
