He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
