Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
