She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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