I wish my penis had an off switch
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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