4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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