remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
