I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
