Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I supernannyed him into submission
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
