from now on my penis is your penis
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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