And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
