You can't special order awesome
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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