I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
