Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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