I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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