just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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