I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
