Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
