there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
