I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
