i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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