i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
