Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
COCAINE IS GR8
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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